We are a family of three that is constantly learning and growing in so many ways. Becoming a family has been a constant source of joy and blessing for us.
Troy and Tricia consider “Dad” and “Mom” to be the most amazing roles they have ever had. In addition to those roles, Troy works as a computer applications engineer and Tricia works as a lawyer. Troy also enjoys college football, board games (which he blogs about here), comic books and bad movies (which he also blogs about, here). Tricia enjoys good movies, reading just about any book (but especially mystery novels - a love that began in fourth grade with Nancy Drew novels) and having coffee with friends.
Troy and Tricia met in high school in 1994 and were married in 2002. They spent the next eight years learning how to work as a team. Troy is a self-described procrastinator and claims he produces his best work a few minutes before a deadline. He also can do just about anything with a computer (including building his own arcade machine) and has programmed their entire house in one way or another - Tricia is still waiting for an instruction manual. Tricia has to admit to having a few perfectionist tendencies (except when it comes to cooking or cleaning the house) and has been making to-do lists since kindergarten. It makes us an interesting team, but we have lots of fun together and love each other tremendously! We especially enjoy spending time with our friends, going out to eat, and traveling together (recap of our 2009 Italy trip here).
Throughout their first eight years of marriage, Troy and Tricia each felt a growing desire in their hearts to expand their family by adopting from China. They submitted their application to adopt a few weeks after Tricia’s 30th birthday (minimum age requirement for adopting from China) and, on May 9, 2010, the Olsons were officially a family of three when Madelyn Yihong became their daughter.
Madelyn is a vivacious toddler who finds joy and humor in all things of life. She has an uncanny love of soft rock music, likes to put a smile on other people’s faces, and has a beautiful, active imagination that has added several friends to our family (ask Tricia for the list because, of course she made a list of Madelyn’s imaginary friends). Madelyn is teaching Troy and Tricia how to be parents and they are trying their very best to be good students of the subject.
The purpose of this blog is, first and foremost, to document our journey as a family so that we can look back on our favorite experiences and carry them with us going forward. We are perpetually learning new things and forming/refining /redefining our opinions about parenting and adoption. Putting these things in print seems to help our process of learning. It is also something we hope that our children will enjoy rereading when they are older and something we hope our friends and family will enjoy along the way. We realize that the content is specific to our family, but we are more than happy to share the lessons we have learned as parents and especially about adoption.
We have tried to organize our blog in a way that makes it easy to find information if you are looking for something specific. On the header, you can use the search tool to search for specific terms or the “Categories” tab to find posts on specific topics such as Adoption, China, and Cleft Lip & Palate. Our “Links” tab includes links to our Picasa picture gallery, YouTube video library, and Pinterest board. The "Store" tab points to our Amazon store, which contains items that we personally enjoy using in our house and may mention from time to time on our blog.
Questions about adoption or something else you saw on this blog?
Email us at: olsonfamilymatters at gmail dot com
One of the reasons I wanted to push the "family" stuff over here was so we could keep everyone up to date as we go through the process of building our new house.
This morning, we finally closed on the construction loan, so we can break ground as soon as a land survey is done and permits are completed. Needless to say, we are very excited about this.
Pictures of the progress forthcoming...
Just wanted to say "hi" to all the family members and friends who have subscribed to the blog in the past few weeks. Just wanted to let you know a little more about what's going on around here and where I hope to take this thing in the future.
First off, although I started this blog intending on just talking about the adoption process, I figure that if family is going to be reading this then I might as well update you on all the fun aspects of the lives of Tricia and myself. So, from here on out I'll be adding posts about the various events that go on in our lives.
Previously, I had been writing about this information at my other blog (Elusive as Robert Denby is the name of it...google the name if you care why). However, I figured that some of you may not have wanted to wade through the silliness that is there (i.e. posts about comic books and bad movies, etc.) in order to get to the "real" stuff. Of course, if you do want to read the silliness, though, feel free to do so. I'm quite proud of it :) If I post something over there that I'm particularly proud of, I'll be sure to link to it here anyways.
As for what you've missed if you just joined on (and to give you an idea of what you have to look forward to) here are some of the posts describing recent events in our lives:
Anyways, thanks for taking a look at things here. I hope to have some new content up this week, plus I'm going to to try to post some links on the side for those who want to read some more about the adoption stuff.
We officially closed on our construction loan this morning, so we can start the building process (well, we still are awaiting permits and a survey before we can actually break ground).
Progress as it occurs, but needless to say we are excited about this.
Tricia and I attended an adoption parenting class this weekend. Overall, it was a very useful class for us, as it made us aware of some things we might not have been fully expecting and at the same time helped us to plan how we will deal with certain things as they come up. The class itself was split into four modules:
1. Adoption: A Life Long Process
Learned about the different developmental stages of an adopted child and what to expect. A lot of this was setup that led into the next section on bonding and attachment, but there was also a great deal of importance placed on discussing the adoption process with your child and answering some of the questions that would be unique to an adopted child ("Why didn't my birth parents want me," "Are you my real parents," etc.).
2. Bonding and Attachment
One of the things you need to come to terms with and be prepared for early on in the adoption process is that your child will not necessarily trust or bond with you right at first. They may exhibit this in physical ways, such as trying to push away from you . Of course, this has nothing to do with you (which is the important part to remember), but has to do with the abandonment that they have already experienced in their young lives. Plus, you are now taking them out of the only environment they've known with the only people they've known. So, in many ways, you have to prove to them that you are not also going to abandon them. (I should note that it's also entirely possible that the child has the opposite reaction to being adopted -- that is they show no outward emotions towards you at all. It's a different defense mechanism, but one that is rooted in the same cause).
This attachment process can take a long time (sometimes several months). It can also happen with one parent much quicker than it happens with the other. The child may have horrible times sleeping -- night terrors are not uncommon. They may also not be able to sleep without a parent being in the same room as them. The major difficulty here, as a parent, is knowing that you aren't necessarily doing anything wrong and continuing to foster the bonding process.
3. Impact of Transracial/Transcultural Adoption on Adopted Child/Families
Lots of interesting stuff came up in regards to culture and heritage. It is important to NOT ignore the contributions of the birth parents. Obviously, without their sacrifice the whole process would not even be able to happen. In regards to China, it is highly unlikely that the child will ever be able to actually track down their birth parents. Still, the fact that the mother actually wanted to have the child and give it away so it can hopefully have a better life, is a thing that you should make your child aware of. It helps the child in forming their identity.
As for the culture of the child, we intend on making Chinese culture an important part of our life (something we are just now beginning to read and learn about). Language, food, holidays, certain customs and rituals can all be made a part of our lives so that our child can feel connected to their heritage the same way we felt connected to ours. Which leads to what was probably the most interesting part of the weekend for me -- how the child perceives their racial identity. Obviously, our child won't be Caucasian like us, but at the same time they often won't feel fully Asian, due to the fact that we aren't. So, how do we deal with this? Well, as described above, keeping certain aspects of Chinese culture in their lives is one good way. It's also important for us to encourage them to discover and explore as much about their country of origin as they deem necessary while they are growing up.
4. Adoption: Losses and Gains
Basically discussed what each member of the "triad" (birth parents, adoptive parents, child) gains and loses in the adoption process.
Other: There was some talk about "adoption language," i.e. specific things that come up when talking to other about adoption. Some of this stuff I hadn't really thought about before (or simply hadn't encountered as of yet). For instance, we will always say "This is our daughter," not "This is our ADOPTED daughter." In essence, removing the qualifier from the statement (I can't imagine ever saying the latter phrase, but I hadn't really thought about it previously). Similarly, you need to be prepared to answer things from other people. "Do you have any children of your own?" or "Do you know who your daughter's real mother is?" (Answers: This IS our own child and Tricia is her real mother -- the mom who had the child is the "birth mom"). Normally, I wouldn't assume anyone who said these things to be intolerant, mostly I'd just say a lot of people don't know how to talk about adoption since it's not really part of their world, but I think it is important to clarify these things to others, if necessary.
Beyond filling out the plethora of forms, our self-imposed homework from this class is: 1) We need to learn even more about China, its culture, and its recent history (books are on order at the library for us to begin this process immediately). 2) We also need to understand more about why these moms are forced to give up their kids for adoption, beyond the vague reason of "they have to." Reading is being ordered for this as well. I'll be back later in the week with some links we've found in the process of looking for information, plus our reading list.
Tricia and I are attending an adoptive parent class tomorrow and Saturday. The class is put on by Holt (the agency through whom we are adopting) and is a requirement for us before a child can be placed with us. The point is to help us learn about being parents of both and adopted child AND a child from another country. Should be a good learning experience for both of us.
One of the "assignments" of the class is that we have to come up with an item that helps to describe our family heritage and then present that to the rest of the class. Yeah, it's just like show and tell :P Unfortunately, all family heirlooms are locked up in storage and not very accessible at the moment. Still, I need to come up with SOMETHING to talk about by tomorrow afternoon, so I'm going to start working on that.
I'll update with how the class goes this weekend.
Currently, Tricia and I have to fill out our individual answers to a series of questions about our adoption. This is in order to prep the person who will eventually be coming to perform a home study with us -- essentially to help determine if we are fit to be adoptive parents or not. We have to write about our marriage and how we settle issues in it, our family history, current family situations, medical history, finances, living situation, and our personal views on certain aspects of adoption.
Tricia is almost finished with filling out her list (16 pages of questions with room to write, so it's not a short process) while I, of course, have yet to start. Some of the questions I figure will be easy to write answers to. The more introspective questions on the sheet range from the ones I assume I'll hear often as an adoptive parent (why do you want to adopt instead of have a biological child; Why do you want to adopt from another country) to ones I don't have specific, concrete ideas about as of yet (mostly dealing with parenting styles, discipline, etc. -- but does anyone REALLY know this stuff before they have a their first child).
One question that doesn't exactly show up on this list, yet is one that I've been thinking about for some time, is the moment(s) that I knew I wanted to be a dad. Honestly, there was a time some years ago when I thought kids were cute, but they just didn't effect me in a way that made me want to have one of my own. However, at some points in the last couple of years, that has changed.
Three specific occurrences come to mind:
Playing Barbie's with Mikayla Fleming
While at the Fleming's house for some reason or another, the adults had all taken to talking amongst themselves. Mikayla had brought out all of her Barbie stuff to the front room and either due to my ADD or to the fact that I was bored (or likely both), the next thing I knew I was helping her set things up (I did have some prior practice with this with my female cousins when I was a kid). All of a sudden I was right in the middle of a five-year old girl's view on the relationships between her various dolls. Obviously, each doll had a long-standing history with the others, all of which I had to learn on the fly, so that I kept everyone acting "in character." I likened it to dropping myself into the middle of a soap opera after 20 years of continuity has already been established. The best part of it all -- I got to drive the car!
I don't think this whole experience lasted much more than 30 minutes (unless I was so enraptured that I lost track of time), but what I learned about myself at that time was the enjoyment I would get from being able to take part in whatever imaginative, creative world my kid cooks up. Plus, having another excuse to play with toys again (even if it's just dolls -- not much difference between Barbie and GI Joe when you get down to it).
Getting American flag tattoos with Zac and Andrew Bulgin during 4th of July weekend
During our yearly trip with friends to the Oregon coast we had the privilege of having the Bulgin family drop by for an evening. At that time I'm not quite sure if Zac and Andrew really knew who I was, beyond "Kevin's brother" (I'm sure they had seen me before on the periphery, but I'm not sure we had ever talked much). Well, it didn't take long for me to endear myself to them (or them to me) -- just the simple act of having each of us apply temporary tattoos of American flags to our faces pretty much made us friends forever.
Of course the kicker came at the end of the night, when it was time for the Bulgin's to leave. Zac didn't want to leave and go home, instead wanting to stay with the big kids (plus, I think we may have promised him a game or fireworks or something...that's a lesson about kids I still need to learn -- don't promise stuff you can't follow through on, or there will be tears). So we all said our goodbyes and after Zac had walked out of the house, I heard him yell from outside "I love you, Troy." Of course that brought on a chorus of "awwwwwwwwws" from all of the adults.
Not to heap on the schmaltz here, but that was a sincerely touching moment for me. It cemented in my mind the connection I would be able to have with a child and just what a difference I might be able to make in their life -- if I could have that influence on someone else's kid, why not my own. It was something I hadn't necessarily considered up to that point in my life.
Watching the Salem/Keizer Volcanoes baseball game with Atticus Lush
I hope when he grows up, Atticus gets to know that he was the person who pushed me over the edge and made me definitively decide that I wanted to have kids. Maybe it's just the recency of the event, but I hadn't felt a moment of "I want to be able to do this with a child of my own" moreso than when I got to hang out with Atticus at the Salem-Keizer Volcanoes baseball game.
The story goes that everyone from Tricia's work was invited to bring their family to the game. Atticus was there with his mom, brother, and grandma. When I saw Atticus there I decided to go over and talk with him, seeing as this was the first baseball game he had attended. I attempted to explain how the game works and see if he was excited about the free ball he got (it was ball giveaway night). Of course, him being three, I think I was able to get him most interested when I tried to explain about the mascot, Crater.
As the game started, I had one of the greatest moments in my life, when a foul ball came about 2 feet away from where I was standing. Of course, I picked up the ball and gave it to Atticus. And at that moment I made a new friend. We proceeded to play catch and then we took our seats to watch the game. Atticus sat with Tricia and myself -- I think Deb, Atticus' mom, wanted to help give us some practice :) -- was able to see Crater, cheered for the Volcanoes throughout, and really enjoyed his time with us. I should also point out that during the entire game Atticus talked and talked and talked about anything and everything, a trait I can relate to.
After 5 fun innings of this, Atticus had to go home and go to bed. The next day, when asked if he enjoyed his time with Troy, he replied that "Troy's still at the baseball game." Because obviously, when he left, I was still there. Nothing more foolproof than the logic of a 3-year old.
While nothing earth shattering happened during those couple hours, it ultimately convinced me that there was now a void in my life. That to NOT have children would lead to me missing out on something. I am more than fulfilled in every other relational area of my life -- marriage, family, friends -- but the one thing I was missing is that connection with my own kid. I always figured at some point in my life I would reach that conclusion, but it wasn't until then that I did.
---------------------------------
So there you have it - part of my evolution towards wanting to become a parent. Of course, I left out all of the difficult and sometimes bad stuff that comes with having kids. I know it's not all hugs and pony rides and rainbows -- it's hard work too (and poopy diapers). But being who I am, I'll tend to focus on the fun and exciting aspects of things and deal with the bad stuff when I have to (instead of dwelling on it). Now I better go fill out that 16-page questionnaire...
Welcome to the new blog.
If you have somehow found your way here, then I can only assume that you know the reason for the blog, namely to keep everyone up to date on the adoption process as Tricia and I go through it. I'm not sure how often I'll be updating the blog or if there will even be much beyond the mundane details of filling out paperwork and talking to social workers in these first few months of the process, so I'd suggest you subscribe either via email or RSS and let the updates come to you automatically (those who read my other blogs know how bad I am at updating on a timely basis).
A small disclaimer to start -- even though Tricia has carte blanche to write whatever she wants on here, most likely I'll be the one writing the posts. So, unless noted otherwise, these are Troy's opinions and feelings on things that you are reading. I don't speak for Tricia, nor would I ever attempt to - although I will try to run as many of my posts by her as possible so she can either give her side of the story and/or see that I am accurately portraying her feelings on things. On a subject as relevant as this, I feel that's important to note...
I have a couple of ideas of posts for the next few months -- describing the thought process behind going the adoption route, the myriad of questions we have going into it, the decisions that are ahead for us, plus the excitement of being able to say we are going to be (gasp!) a dad and a mom. Thanks for wanting to be a part of this with us.
More to come soon...
I managed to finish the Portland Marathon yesterday in 3h:54m:33s!
This was a little better than my low-end goal of 4 hours, but quite a ways away from my ultimate goal of 3:45. Oh, well. Honestly, I'm not sure how I possibly could have run the thing in 3:45 anyways, so I was plenty happy with my time.
Here are my splits and some details of my run:
First off -- the weather. It was drizzling on and off all morning, which wasn't too difficult to deal with. Then, somewhere between miles 12 and 16 (it all kind of blurs together) the skies opened up and it just poured. As you can tell by my finishing picture below, it never let up too much for the remainder of the race. Apparently, this is the first time it has rained in all the years of the marathon. Glad I could be a part of history.
Overall, I finished in the top 25% of all participants, which makes me very happy. Also, not that it's relevant, but I apparently also managed to finish ahead of 88% of the female runners (these are the stats they made available to me). I was in the top 37% of all males, which was also where I placed amongst all males aged 30-34. My takeaway from that -- there are some really fast people my age.
The most amazing thing to me is that when the first place finisher completed the race, I was at MILE 17! That just seems unhuman to me. The might want to check to make sure the winner wasn't a robot.
Looking at my splits you can get a pretty good idea of my thinking throughout the race. I started out thinking I could hit 3h:45m for the overall race (which equates to an 8m:37s mile pace). I figured if I kept up my 8:50 per mile pace I could make up the rest in the last 5-6 miles (more on that fallacy later).
Obviously, the picture below proves how fast I was running, because Tricia and the camera couldn't keep up with me (this is around mile 5).
(I’m cross-posting this here and at Elusive as Robert Denby)
Unfortunately, there is no internet at our apartment until Monday...at that time I'll write a more substantial blog post about everything that has been happening in our lives, along with the unveiling of a new, exciting blog.
Until then, I figure I need to get a post up about this weekend's Portland Marathon. This is going to be my first full marathon (I ran a half-marathon back in January, which you can read the results of here) and like I did at that time, I am going to post my running playlist for the day (the half-marathon playlist can be found here).
My goal for the marathon is 4 hours, even. According to the half-marathon time I ran, I should be able to run this in 3:45:00...but my long runs don't lead me to believe that is true. However, we'll see what adrenaline and competitive spirit do for my time. I didn't expect to run as fast as I did back in January either, so who knows.
If you happen to be out there, I'll be easy to spot, because against my better fashion judgment, I'm going to wear my water belt during the race. I've been comfortable with it during my long runs, though, so it seems like a good choice to keep wearing it.
Unlike last time, I don't have time to explain the reasoning for each and every song's inclusion and placement in the list (besides, my commentary in the last post comes off way more stupid sounding when I read it 10 months later), but I'll make comments as I deem them necessary. I'm having trouble making this list "flow" perfectly, as it's very difficult to seamlessly integrate four hours worth of music together.
I also went in not wanting to use any of the songs I used in the half-marathon, just to keep some variety in my running music. The basic idea I'm going in with is that I need to do two consecutive, paced 10-mile runs, followed by a 6.2 mile speed run. At least that is the mentality I am going to use during it, and it's the mentality I used while creating the playlist.
Pre-Race: As I did last time, I wanted to have a couple of songs I could listen to pre-race so I don't get either too lethargic or too wired. Soft rock and 80's music tends to be neutral to my brain, so that was what I went with for this time (and ending on a Beatles' song, which isn't here nor there, it's just a fun song).
0.1 "Eye in the Sky," The Alan Parsons Project
0.2 "Can't Get It Out of My Head," Electric Light Orchestra
0.3 "True," Spandau Ballet
0.4 "Give a Little Bit," Supertramp
0.5 "Rocky Raccoon," The Beatles
First 10 miles: The key for my first ten miles is to simply not go fast. I have to be sure to stay around 9:00/miles or else I'll poop out too quickly. I figure the key to that is to keep myself listening to slower, mellow music (that I can easily sing along to as well) and match my pace to that. The next approximately 90 minutes of songs try to accomplish that feat.
1. "Samskeyti [Live]," Sigur Ros
2. "Give What You Take," Mojave 3
3. "Color Of Your Blues," Money Mark
4. "I Want to Know Your Plans," Say Anything
5. "Drop And Anchor," Mates of State
6. "Cat Heaven," Jets to Brazil
The next four songs kind of fit into a classic rock theme -- beyond that there really isn't much of a thematic element to this first 10 miles worth of songs.
7. "King Harvest (Has Surely Come)," The Band
8. "Wish You Were Here," Pink Floyd
9. "Late For The Sky," Jackson Browne
10. "Hurricane," Bob Dylan
11. "Corazon," Bishop Allen
12. "Dream Works," Snowglobe
13. "Measure 3," matt pond PA
14. "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room," Flight of the Conchords
Things sloooowly pick up a bit with Ben Folds/Jenny Lewis/The Jayhawks/Wolf Parade here, each song having a slight build (yet still having a slow cadence) for the time when I'll first be lagging a bit in the run.
15. "Narcolepsy," Ben Folds
16. "Rise Up With Fists!!!," Jenny Lewis
17. "The Man Who Loved Life," The Jayhawks
18. "Fine Young Cannibals," Wolf Parade
Second 10 miles: The second 10 miles is the hardest (in my limited long running experience), so I've placed a few more faster paced songs (pretty much all except the first three and the last one) to keep me going during this time. I should also note that this is the time in the run when I'm bound to start singing the songs out loud, so I apologize for my horrible singing voice, should you hear me.
19. "At Least That's What You Said," Wilco
20. "One Day Like This," Elbow
21. "Glosoli," Sigur Ros
The Sigur Ros song has an building, uplifting feel to it, so that's why it gets to lead into the more upbeat choices.
22. "Man Out Of Time," Elvis Costello
23. "House Is Not a Home," Field Music
24. "A.M. 180," Grandaddy
25. "Mind's Eye," Josh Ritter
26. "Wrong Choice," The Lovely Feathers
27. "Getting By," The Rentals
28. "Don't Make Me a Target," Spoon
29. "Lion's Teeth," The Mountain Goats
30. "Happy," The Wrens
31. "Stadiums And Shrines II," Sunset Rubdown
32. "Humans," Islands
33. "The Siren Sings," The Anniversary
34. "A Gentleman Caller," Cursive
35. "To the Dogs or Whoever," Josh Ritter
36. "Go To The Mirror!," The Who
37. "Float On," Modest Mouse
We end with a song to get me focused for the final 6 miles...so a short respite from the faster paced music for a half-mile or so...
38. "Suckers!," Super Furry Animals
Final 6.2 miles: Nothing special here, just songs I enjoy listening to that will keep me engaged in spite of the fact that my legs will be in agonizing pain (maybe an overstatement).
39. "Blanket And Crib," Okkervil River
40. "For Real," Okkervil River
41. "The Song Remains The Same," Led Zeppelin
42. "Slowly, Through a Vector," Say Anything
Since last time I had Goblin in my playlist, and I chose to not duplicate anything, I went with Justice's re-mix of the Tenebre theme.
43. "Phantom," Justice
44. "Phantom Pt II," Justice
I couldn't find a place for a 10+ minute song in the playlist, so 9:33 will have to do. I decided to go with Springsteen in honor of his future Super Bowl appearance.
45. "Jungleland," Bruce Springsteen
46. "Carry the Zero," Built to Spill
47. "If The Brakeman Turns My Way," Bright Eyes
Girl Talk gets a suite of songs to wind things up...
48. "Here's The Thing," Girl Talk
49. "Don't Stop," Girl Talk
50. "Play Your Part (Pt. 2)," Girl Talk
And three fun sing/hum-along songs to end it. These three have randomly struck a chord during my runs the last month or so, for no apparent reason.
51. "Evangeline," Matthew Sweet
52. "Spectacular Views," Rilo Kiley
53. "Is This Music," Teenage Fanclub
And with that, I'm done. It's actually 4:05:06 of music (not including the pre-race songs), so there is a good chance I won't need all of it, in which case it turns into victory music :)
Tune back in on Monday to find out how I did and probably hear me whine about how sore my legs are, plus a whole bunch of other stuff. See you then...
